Growing Pains

by Danielle N. Hall

8/12/2018

Growing Pains ©️

I’m comfortable where I am.

I do not want to leave.

However, there is a very sad truth:

I have no room to breathe.

The pot has, unfortunately, become too small.

My growth is becoming stunted.

I find I just don’t fit at all,

It’s like I’m no longer wanted.

I try to wrap my brain around it.

I guess I just need room to grow.

It’s so hard to say goodbye,

but in order to live I must go.

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The Other Silent Killer

by Danielle N. Hall

03/17/2018

I don’t watch much television and I’ve missed many movies, but I’m not all the way green…I have seen a few. One that comes to mind is Madea’s Big Happy Family. As with any other Tyler Perry movie, there were many things going on once. However, there’s a particular scene that I recall. “Mr. Brown loses a lot of blood during his surgery and the doctor asks Cora to donate some. When she does, she finds out that she doesn’t have the same blood type as him, implying that he may not be her real, biological father. At dinner later on that night, Tammy and Kimberly have a vicious argument that leads to Tammy revealing that Kimberly is Byron’s birth mother, having had him when she was 13 years old. Byron storms out of the house, angry that this secret was kept from him.”

They say that art imitates life. The truth is that Mr. Brown and Kimberly aren’t the only ones with family secrets: the other silent killer. More often than is acknowledged, families perpetuate lies and deception: choking the life out of the truth in order to spare the image of one. How many children grew up thinking that someone was their older sister only for the actual truth to be that said “sister” was actually their biological mother and who they had been thinking was their mother was actually their grandmother? How many Mr. Brown scenarios are there where people have assigned someone the title of “Daddy” that has no trace of the man’s DNA? The truth is this saving of an image has done more harm than good.

When I had barely entered adulthood, I gave birth to my first child. I was 21 years old and her biological father was 22. We weren’t fresh out of high school, but we were young. Things did not work out and we went our separate ways when our daughter was still an infant. Time progressed and I later married my husband. Now, my daughter’s father has always been active in her life, so she has been blessed with two dads. When she was about 4 years old I explained the difference between her biological father and her stepfather. Some may argue that she was too young, but you’d have to know my children to understand my decision to divulge when I did. She understood and I was never posed with any questions about it because I was straightforward with her. One time, our household had gone to the movies and we saw my daughter’s biological dad outside. When she saw him, she excitedly said: “My other daddy!”. I must admit that was a bit embarrassing, but it was her truth: she has two dads.

Sometimes our truths can be embarrassing or humiliating, but hiding it can be devastating. Suppose one begins dating someone and things get serious and marriage becomes a goal…and then a reality. Then, you through some very unusual way discover that you two are actually blood relatives…close ones at that. Do you see how problematic and destructive perpetuating a lie can be: all for the sake of keeping secrets and saving images?

Let’s not ignore the other proverbial elephant in the room. How about the sexual violation by a family member? This is certainly not foreign or unusual. It’s a sad truth that I am unfortunately very familiar with…more familiar than I want to be. It is common for survivors to not speak of what has happened because they are often muzzled by fear of other’s opinions. In some cases when the survivor does come forward, the common response is “What happens in this house stays in this house.” If you have a perverted individual who obviously lacks self control, why would you not make it known to spare others enduring the same offense? Is it because he’s the bread winner or because he’s everyone’s “favorite uncle”? The image of the perpetrator is salvaged, but there is a wreck in the internal environment of the survivor: her/his voice is suffocated and identity is often lost.

Maybe the family secret doesn’t involve any offense. Maybe a mom or dad didn’t graduate from high school and yet they keep it a secret for fear of others labeling her/him as a failure. Now let me be clear, experience is a great teacher and we can learn a lot in life from experience. High school graduation does not mean that you have arrived. The point I’m making is that in many areas in our lives we fall short and then we play the pretend game because we worry about other’s opinions. When I drafted my father’s obituary in December last year, I was adamant about telling his truth. He spent a lot of years of his life concerned about what others thought, though he often said he didn’t. My dad graduated high school at the age of 21 and even MY existence is a result of one of dad’s unfavorable choices. However, it was his truth and he suffered silently being concerned about his image. In his last couple of months, a family member visited him in the hospital and essentially cursed him. I was livid and it was obvious that it affected how he felt about himself. I discerned what he wasn’t speaking, but was yet communicating. In a rare type of discussion I had with him while I was heading to work one day, I told him that unforgiveness was a sin even when don’t forgive ourselves. He said he never thought of it that way and his voice became more lively.

People can be so brutal sometimes. What I have come to live most about my life, is that I discovered the liberty that Jesus avails to us to walk in. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed. So many are bound by the guilt and shame of life choices that they die a slow death inside. This is not the intent of God. “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom].” 2 Corinthians 3:17 (AMP)

I implore you on today to be free and I pray that the spirit of liberty will reign in your family so that there will be no more death of the truth as lies are nurtured to save images!

A Night to Remember

by Danielle N. Hall

1/17/2018

This morning I was trying to dress according to the weather. I was looking for my gray sweater and I remembered where I had it. I got it and remembered why I had placed it there. I still have the visitor’s stickers from the night before my dad Robert Brock-Smith, Sr transitioned.

On Monday 12/18/17, Mom and I had visited Dad after work. For some reason I felt uneasy about leaving that night. Mom was ready to go, but I told her I needed to know he was ok. A nurse came in to tend to him and she began to sing “I’m trading my sorrows. I’m trading my shame. I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord.” She also fervently prayed for him and asked God to have mercy on him. At this point, I was content with leaving. We had exceeded the visiting hours by 30 minutes. I took Mom to the store and then to her home. I remember being brought to tears as I watched my mom take gifts and boxes for gifts in her home. She was so excited about being a blessing, even while her husband’s health was failing. I watched in awe of this great woman and called my first grade teacher expressing to her how I endeavor to be at least half the woman that she is.

I snapped out of, pulled off, and headed home. I got home and laid across the bed just trying to rest my mind. Very shortly after, my cell phone rang. It was Mom and my heart started beating fast. She said: “Danielle, the hospital just called and they moved your dad to ICU. His heart has already stopped 3 times and they don’t think he’s gonna make it through the night.” I hopped up, put on the first shoes I could grab and heading back to pick Mom up to head to the hospital.

We arrived and were escorted to his room. Soon after we heard those dreadful words as we watched things unfold before our eyes: “Code Blue, ICU”. We were asked did we want them to revive Dad. Mom affirmed. We were initially asked to step out and then we were invited back in to observe the process. It was much labor, but they were successful. However, he depended on a ventilator 100% for breathing. We were joined by my sister and a couple of my nieces and we stayed overnight.

On the morning of 12/19, Mom and I went downstairs to the cafeteria and grabbed an omelette. It was highly recommended by one of the ICU nurses. After breakfast, we returned to the room. They checked Dad’s pupils and there was no reaction when they shined the light in his eyes. At this point, Mom was ready to go. I took her home and headed to my office…looking and smelling like the day before. Fortunately, I had some toiletries available at the office and could freshen up. I stayed a short while and decided to head back home to get more clean and change clothes.

On the way home, I received a call from my daughter telling me to call my husband because his van had broken down on the side of the road and then she informed me that my son had been jumped at school. By now, I’m a bit overwhelmed. I called my husband and he contacted my son and I asked him to wait at the school for me. I headed straight to the school and, unfortunately, the school day has ended and students had already been dismissed. I met with the head of security and filed a report.

We headed home to get my youngest son and then we stopped by to see my daughter at work so she could be reassured that all was well. Our next stop was the emergency room to be examined for head injuries. Fortunately, there is a Children’s Emergency Room connected to the hospital where Dad was. The boys and I went to visit Dad that evening and then headed to the ER for my eldest son to be examined. This is how the pictures sweater has two stickers from the same date with time stamps so close. Now one of the funny things about visiting Dad is that they almost always put the wrong name on my sticker and Mom’s. Clearly that was the case this night as well. Fortunately, my son had no serious head injuries…and fortunately we went to see Dad that evening…it was the last time the boys saw him alive. On the next morning, Dad peacefully transitioned. One thing I learned during the season of my father’s major health challenge was to maximize moments and make new memories. His legacy will forever live…memories of a life spent with him will be everlasting.

This post was written in loving memory of my father, Robert Henry Brock-Smith, Sr. 4/10/1937-12/20/2017

May He forever rest peacefully.

When God Says Wait

by Danielle N. Hall

11/19/2017

Do you have recollection of an experience where God asked you to do something that forfeited your comfort or that you thought may have been an inconvenience to you, yet a convenience to someone else? I can think of a time or two when I’ve had such an experience. Picture it…Bowie, MD…August 26th. It was a gorgeous Saturday…the weather was delightful: the high was 81 degrees and the low was 65 degrees! It was the perfect day to go to the hair salon and I certainly took advantage of it. The previous months had been taking their toll on me and the FoxZ Hair Studio experience is usually a breath of fresh air that I enjoy. While heading to pay a much needed visit to my hair stylist/friend, Zanada,…I thought “It would be really nice to see my friend (Michelle aka Min. Benn) today”. It was once common for Min. Benn and I to receive beauty services at the same time, but as of late, our paths had not crossed there. To my pleasant surprise, she was in the right place at the right time! Some people can have a calming presence about them and she happens to be one. SIDE NOTE: Your presence can either agitate or alleviate…it can illuminate or obfuscate. The point is: your presence can make a difference: please try to be mindful of the energy you emit.

So, as usual, we all enjoyed laughs at FoxZ Hair Studio and Min. Benn and I had lunch after getting our manes tended to. I knew I probably should have been in bed resting because I couldn’t even put my shoes up on the back of my feet due to swelling. Nevertheless, I maximized the moment of fresh air that was much needed. After we were done, I was set on getting home and propping my feet up. When I got to my car, I noticed that there were keys on the ground next to the car that was parked beside me. I picked them up and determined that they were for that car. I observed that the car windows were down. I did NOT feel comfortable with leaving the car in that state. The Lord led me to wait.

Based on where the car was parked in relation to the nearby stores, I was pretty sure I’d be probably waiting about 10 minutes for the owner to return. A little more than 10 minutes passed and I watched each of the store patrons leave, looking for them to walk in the direction of the car. Also of note, there was a Planet Fitness keychain attached to the keys. I tried to observe people who may have had a certain build or who may have been wearing a certain type of apparel. Time continued to pass and no one had yet appeared in search of the keys.

Finally, after having waited for an hour, I decided to go into the place where Min. Benn and I had lunch. I asked had anyone lost any car keys and no one answered affirmatively. When I exited the restaurant, I saw a AAA vehicle pull up near the car. I walked over to the driver of the AAA vehicle and asked them to contact the car owner to let him/her know that I have the keys and they were left on the ground. The driver obliged and a few minutes after, a young lady came walking from the other side of the shopping center. As she approached, I noticed her wearing a Pizza Hut uniform, which meant that she was at work and CERTAINLY wouldn’t have been coming out in the 10 minutes I had initially thought the car’s owner would return in. She was very grateful because she both had her keys and did not require the service of AAA. I don’t know her story or how losing the keys would’ve impacted her world, all I know is God said to wait and I did…in spite of my significantly swollen feet.

We often fill our schedules with things that keep us on the go and we don’t take the necessary moments to rest or to breathe. Perhaps that waiting period was just as beneficial to me as it was to the car owner. Though I did have a choice as to whether or not I should wait, I opted to go with the Lord’s leading and wait. I didn’t have anything to rush to afterwards, but it still allowed me a moment to just sit, observe my surroundings, and enjoy the stillness of the moment. Believe or not, there is a blessing in waiting. Some of us are impatient at times: when it comes to waiting on others or waiting on the manifestation of what God has promised to us. Patience is not the ability to wait, but it’s how we act while waiting…”but if we hope for what we do not see, we wait eagerly for it with patience and composure.” Romans 8:25 (AMP)

Below are some questions to ponder regarding when God says to wait. Take a moment to reflect and answer these. After doing so, consider your responses and determine if there is anything you can/would change about your response to God charge to you to wait.

1) What/who has God asked you to wait for?

2) Does/did it seem like an inconvenience to you?

3) “How” have you waited…have you done so with patience?

4) Has someone had to wait with patience for YOU?

5) If “yes” is your response to #4, how did that make you feel?

From the Waters…

by Danielle N. Hall

7/29/2017

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Are you sick and tired of drowning in the seas of others’ opinions of what you should be doing or how you should be? I know I am, but I’ve got news…I’m coming from the waters:

Like Roger Waters: “The Tide is Turning”

Like Muddy Waters: “I Love the Life I Live”
Like Crystal Waters: “From the back to the middle and around again…”

Like Maxine Waters: I’m “Reclaiming my time!”


I’ve learned that allowing people to try to plot out your life’s course, worrying about people trying to determine your salvation, giving people free rent in your head space, doubting who you know you are, and hesitating in doing what God told you to do is a waste of time. It’s official: I’m #reclaimingmytime. I’ve wasted years swimming around in the troubled waters of doubt, fear, and limited thinking. What I’m not gonna do is dwell on how much further I could be if I hadn’t squandered time and opportunity, but what I am gonna do is resolve to move forward…and I’ll do so with great faith and perseverance. 

The tide is turning, I love the life I live…from the back to the middle and around again…I’m reclaiming my time! I’m coming from the “Waters”!!!

2 Samuel 22:17 (NASB) He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. 

Up Against the Wall

by Danielle N. Hall

7/4/2017

Have you ever had one of those seasons where so much was coming at you and you either just got your throwing hand ready to hurl the towel or you simply said: “What’s next?!” Last summer was certainly one of those seasons for me! There was trouble with my health, in my home, and with my home…I must admit: I felt a bit defeated for a second…I felt like my back was against the wall and I didn’t have fight in me. Waving the white flag of surrender sounded like a really great idea, BUT I’ve got that true Brock-Smith blood in me…the kind that doesn’t know anything but determination.

As I am recounting this experience, a familiar inspirational song comes to mind: Made a Way by Travis Greene. 

You made a way

When our backs were against the wall

And it looked as if it was over

You made a way

And we’re standing here

Only because You made a way

You made a way

I must say that these lyrics echo the sentiments of my heart. As I mentioned before: I faced health challenges and home challenges. The combination of all things was somewhat overwhelming. Allow me to elaborate…

Last July, I endured one of the longest bouts of vertigo I’d ever had since my first attack over 20 years ago. Just before the 4th of July, I’d attended a family/church fellowship at Solomons Island. Ain’t nothing like good family, good food, and good fellowship! However, my enjoyable time was brief…that horrible party pooper, aka vertigo, showed up on the scene.

“They” say: “When it rains, it pours!”. Well, vertigo rained on my parade and I was pouring with sweat! Fortunately, it only lasted for a couple of days. However, it had soon returned. The timing was less than ideal. The tension measurement in the household had been thicker than a McDonalds milkshake. (Side Note: they need to serve those milkshakes with spoons and not straws, but I digress). Perhaps this truth perpetuated the longer than usual recovery time. Things were a bit bleak on the homefront and we were at the point of making a life altering decision. Though I thought I was prepared to handle the change, thoughts of the change were stressful. 

Anyhow, after having been essentially bed ridden for about a week, I peeled myself out of the bed and walked gingerly over to our leasing office. I was blindsided by the surprise news that I received. When the words parted the lips of the property manager, I pretty much was speechless, but in my mind I was like: “Nooooo, I wasn’t ready!!!”. “It couldn’t be that bad” you might say, but trust me…given the timing and the circumstances, it def was a BFD to me. So on July 15th, as I sat in the chair in the office of the property manager, Mrs. S, I heard these words: “Oh, you’re set for ABSOLUTE eviction on August 2nd.” I was informed that these were irreversible plans of the Sherriff. I inquired about our options and she informed me there was no amount of money or anything else that would change what we were facing…It was a decision set by the sheriff. The last thing I was trying to hear, while dealing with both vertigo and a strained home situation, was that in a very short time we were going to be without a home. The thought of having to share that info with my three little ones was heartbreaking.

I will say that was one of a very few times where I felt defeated. I was sick and tired, literally. You have to understand how debilitating vertigo is to fully appreciate these circumstances. Quitting is not in my makeup…I’m a Brock-Smith, we are too determined, but in the above described moment, I didn’t feel like fighting anymore and I was ok with letting the chips fall how they may. 

On the evening of Sunday, July 17th, I had a conversation with my longtime spiritual advisor: my first grade teacher. In said conversation, she reminded me of who I am in Christ and she fervently prayed. After a major ugly cry, I suddenly no longer felt defeated and I also felt an immediate turn around physically.  I’d done some research and had made some appointments to view a few rental homes. We checked the places out and hadn’t really found “the one” yet. 

Our backs were up against the wall. Time was running out and we had none to waste because the 2nd of August was approaching. While at my desk at work one afternoon, the Lord spoke to me and said: “Call and ask again”. This was in reference to the leasing office and our options. I heeded His voice and called. To my pleasant surprise, the property manager had a different response. She said if you bring $xxxx.xx before we close today it will cancel the eviction. By the grace of God, we were able to combine resources and I darted off from the office to make sure we did our part to get the requested amount turned in. CLEARLY THIS WAS THE LORD’S DOING! He made a way, when our backs were against the wall and it looked as if it was over.

What I want you to get most from this particular post is that it doesn’t matter how grim or impossible a situation may be, God is sovereign and He is able. HE has the final say. As a matter of fact, in the midst of that trying season, at church I had to lead the song “Sovereign God” by Maurette Brown Clark. In that moment, the message in the song was very personal to me. Before ministering in song, the Lord nudged me to share my testimony about the situation I was in at that moment. I was apprehensive because it was embarrassing, but I know better than to not heed His voice. I did as He said, and I was the recipient of a check for $1500 from an anonymous source who followed the voice of God! 

This type of experience is not happenstance and is the reason I have great faith. God is faithful and has proven Himself to be so…over and over and over. He is not a tyrant, but He IS a good, good Father. Who wouldn’t want to serve a God like that?! 

Below are the links to the two songs mentioned in this post. I hope they bless you…especially when you feel like you’re up against the wall!

“Made A Way” https://g.co/kgs/fgQuA9

“Sovereign God” https://g.co/kgs/NDHniv

 

Hot Sauce In My Bag

by Danielle N. Hall

6/9/2017

If you’ve been coherent and have had the ability to hear any time since the Super Bowl last year, chances are you’ve heard one of Beyoncé’s most catchy tunes: Formation. In said song, she makes a reference to what an unknowing listener may think is a condiment. “I got hot sauce in my bag, swag.” Let me make this very clear for the ones who may be unaware: she wasn’t talking about staying ready to douse Texas Pete, Frank’s Red Hot, Tabasco®, or Cholula on a nice, fried piece of catfish. I can show you better than I can tell you: here’s the “hot sauce” Bey was talking about she stays ready with.


Apparently, she wanted to let the people know to not be fooled by the fame and fortune…she’s still “country”, yet fierce and she’s not here for the foolishness. She wanted to let you know that you can get it.

I, too, have “hot sauce in my bag” and a message for the people. 


You can get THIS “hot sauce“, too! I recently had to make a pit stop at one of my favorite artillery shops to get one of my most useful weapons: “hot sauce” is what they call it. 

When I tell you that the past 6 weeks have been quite an exhausting adventure, please believe me! From my father’s next to death experience, to the Mr’s requirement of 3 procedures under anesthesia in a 10 day span, to the eldest child being faced with potentially repeating 12th grade, to the middle child being provoked and engaging in physical altercations, to dealing with vertigo…this has been a season to remember. It had been wearing me out and I knew exactly where I needed to go and what I needed to get. 

Turning Natural© is an establishment on a mission to create healthier lives by way of education opportunities and the products they offer. The line of juices includes my favs: Bromelionaire (pineapple, apple, and ginger), Beta Bomb (carrots, apple, oranges, ginger, and a hint of lemon), and 50 Shades of Green (chlorophyll, mint, pineapple, apple, and coconut water). There’s both a variety of smoothie options that don’t include any dairy products and a selection of vegan edibles that are tasty…the black bean burger is outstanding! 

All of that is great, but let me tell you about this hot sauce that’s in my bag: it’s a liquid vitamin blend of vitamins A-K.  Vitamins A-K are essential to keeping the body healthy and the mind alert. Lack of these vitamins can lead to fatigue, impaired vision, weak teeth and bones, and even serious illness. When we are constantly on the go and are constantly pouring out, we can get drained and fail to give our body what it needs for proper functioning. When it feels like life has been getting the best of me and has been wearing my body and mind out, I almost always think of stopping by my artillery shop aka Turning Natural© and loading up on weapons. “Hot Sauce” is one. It is served in a syringe, is refrigerated, and looks like the Cholula brand hot sauce you see atop many restaurant tables.

Your artillery shop might not be Turning Natural©. You may not identify “Hot Sauce” as your choice weapon like both Beyoncé and I have. My question is: what IS in your bag?

For more information on Turning Natural© visit http://www.turningnatural.com